Families are Complicated

Families are complicated. We love them, we hate them, we cling to them, we run away from them, we want to please them, we want to tell them to stuff it. If I am honest, I would have to say that my relationship with my mother has almost always been easy, but my relationship with my father typically has been more of a challenge. My Dad wasn't able to be present much when I was younger. He was an active duty military officer, so he was deployed multiple times to Vietnam and other far away locations. In my early  years he also was an alcoholic. Finally when I reached High School, my father joined AA, took his life back, and has been sober ever since. I have always been proud of him for fighting those demons and overcoming them. 

When my dad was drinking he really was not able to forge a relationship, but once he became sober, he tried his best to reach out to both me and my brother, but for a multitude of reasons, we still always struggled to find that easy place between us. In addition, my Dad has been remarried since I was a Senior in high school. Step relationships I think can prove to be even more complicated than blood relationships. We are both vying for our place in our loved one's life, and that seems to create differences simply by virtue of the relationship. To add to the dynamics, because I am by nature a pleaser, I often found myself reverting to someone not so familiar to me in an effort to try to be the person I perceived that my dad or step mom expected of me. It has taken me 46 years to realize that my perception and their actual expectations have probably always been two very different things. 

So something new happened this visit. After my initial pre-visit whirlwind, I decided to let go of the worries, and just be myself. The interesting thing is by taking that approach, I did not feel the weight anymore of those perceived expectations. Instead I was able to truly enjoy our time together. I could view our relationship from a place not defined by hurt. I could look back a little more clearly and see the points in the past where I had let the relationships down as opposed to simply those points I felt perhaps my Dad or my Step Mom had somehow disappointed me. The reality is when a relationship isn't working well it is never just one side's fault. I came to the realization that what is truly important is the relationship we can have today. Moving forward our interactions don't have to be defined by that "stuff"....past hurts, disappointments or missed expectations.So this week in my quest to get healthy, I think perhaps I just took a really big step.... I let go of the old baggage and instead decided to work on new beginnings. I feel excited about the possibilities, because despite the unease at times, I love my family very much and I am looking forward to more great visits ahead.