What is the right "right answer" ?

So it's been a week since I posted last. The good news is things have been going great. For once my lack of postings is not reflective of a lapse in effort, a loss of focus or increased stress levels. Truthfully, I think the opposite holds true this time. I've had a great week of work outs, an awesome weekend with my daughters, and many fun empty nesting moments with my husband in between visitors. For once, my lack of voice is not from trying to hold things in, but instead a by-product of  contentment mixed with distraction, but this time, distraction in the form of fun.

If I've struggled at all this week, it has been trying to stay on track making healthier eating choices. My physical fitness routine has been fairly consistent, but making the healthiest eating choices has been a one day at a time kind of struggle or perhaps it has been a one meal at a time kind of struggle. Part of the issue is that over the past few weeks my stomach has decided to take a slight turn to the south, so not everything is agreeing with it in the same way. What I have realized is that when my choices are more limited, I tend to seek comfort foods, and typically those don't fall into the healthiest categories. The other part of the issue is I had slid back into a not so great routine of allowing myself to get caught up in my morning and skipping breakfast. It really is true what they say, skipping the morning meal definitely contributes to a downhill slide throughout the day.

So a few days ago, as I was heading to work yet again without having managed to fit in breakfast, I had an "aha" moment and decided I needed to break the pattern.  Instead of continuing on to the office and foregoing the meal as I had been doing, I headed to the 7-11 and searched for something to start the day with. I had read several articles recently that all reiterated how important it was to start your day with a healthy does of protein, so instead of going for the chocolate covered Krispy Kreme donut, I picked up a protein bar. The surprising thing was that I only had one protein bar, but when my co -worker asked about lunch a few hours later, I realized I wasn't the one watching the clock waiting to dash out the door for the nearest restaurant. This was certainly atypical. The remainder of the day went very well, and I even found I wasn't tempted by the candy bowl.

I don't know that I'll manage to eat protein bars every day...can't say they are my favorite snack, but I do know that I'll be putting an emphasis on good proteins in the morning going forward. This certainly was a visible demonstration of having read something that really worked. The truth is there is so much conflicting information out there, it is often hard to know what is the right "right answer", so there is a tendency to view all of the information with some skepticism. So I guess moving forward I'll be doing a lot of  trial and error tests. What works? What doesn't? Because there is truly nothing that proves a point better than trying it for yourself.

Getting Older....The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

So last night as I tossed and turned and tossed and turned, it occurred to me that one of the unpleasant things about growing older that doesn't seemed to be rectified by working out is the aches and pains of laying in one position for too long. When I was younger, I could close my eyes, fall asleep right away and wake up in the same position 8 hours later none for the wear. Now I am lucky if I make it three hours before I'm woken by a stiff neck or back, discomfort in my shoulders or knees or cramps in my feet. Intersperse that with random hot flashes, it's really quite amazing that I manage to get any sleep at all.

Fortunately I've learned the fine art of switching sides with one pillow lodged between my knees, while at the same time flipping my head pillow ever so quickly to provide an immediate cooing sensation from the head down. If the movement goes smoothly without getting tangled in my husband's sprawled arms or legs, I can usually settle back to sleep fairly quickly.

Of course the other disconcerting problem that arises as a result of lack of sleep are the big bags and dark circles under the eyes that accompany it. If you think about it, it's a double whammy. Our skin is slowly losing it's elasticity, gravity is working against our body, and we get the added pleasure of trying to combat the ill effects of a restless night's sleep.

But despite the aches and pains, the lack of sleep, gravity taking it's toll and my thermostat no longer working, I have to admit, I wouldn't want to turn back time. If I could combine a twenty year old body with my forty year old experiences it would be the perfect blend, but since that isn't an option, I frankly choose the woman I am today over the woman I was at 20. I know more, I love myself more, and I have a balance in my life that few twenty year olds manage to achieve. Who knows, in ten years I may feel differently, but as I look ahead to my next birthday in the fall, I'm not dreading the date, simply wondering what other great adventures life has to offer between now and then.

One choice at a time...

It's been almost a week since my last posting which is usually a pretty good barometer for how things are going in my life. First I was waylaid with the kink in my neck, but managed to get back to the gym for one day, only to be waylaid by my stomach. Whether it was my post surgical stomach rearing it's ugly head or a strange bout of food poisoning, it knocked me out of whack for several more days. Fortunately, my body started cooperating just in time to make a trip to our friend's retirement ceremony in Tennessee; unfortunately, I managed to only get in two work-outs prior to our departure, and one small walk while on the trip.

But one thing I've learned these past few months is I don't need to flog myself every time I don't reach my weekly goal or worry that I'm on a downward spiral; I just need to continue to try to put forward the best effort I can. So Sunday when we returned from our trip, instead of vegging out at the house like my body wanted to do after a night of little sleep, I took Chuck up on his invitation to shoot some golf. While not a stunning start to my week, since we opted to use a cart, it still kept me moving.

Monday, I made it back to the gym and hit the treadmill.  The TV show I had plugged in wasn't holding my attention, so instead of watching the clock, I shifted my thoughts to the past weekend. It had felt  great to be able to help honor our friend's service by sharing in his retirement ceremony. We met many nice folks, but one of the people who stood out the most was our friend's 83 year old mother.  She was a military wife and mother who raised a family of six and was clearly still very much a matriarch in her own right. Her house was adorned with beautiful pieces of pottery she had crafted; her yard house was adorned with beautiful flowers from the garden she tended and her home came complete with it's very own lap pool, so she could swim regularly. When I asked her about her swimming, she revealed that she struggled with neuropathy which caused her significant pain, and swimming helped combat her symptoms. She went on to say that swimming wasn't something she wanted to do, but it was something she had to do. As I contemplated her words, I thought to myself, she wasn't giving herself enough credit. She really didn't have to do anything; no one was standing over her with a poker making her swim laps. She was making a choice to take care of herself, and she continued to make that choice each day despite the pain, despite her age, despite her distaste for it.  I was impressed by her commitment and drive.

It occurred to me that my road to a healthier lifestyle wasn't about the big moments, but about the daily decisions. It was about making one choice at a time. It was about getting up in the morning and making a choice to swim your laps that day even though you didn't want to. It was about choosing to play a game of golf instead of watching a movie. It was about choosing to eat a yogurt parfait for breakfast instead of a slice of cheesecake (I confess I almost caved Sunday Morning at the airport, but had my conscious (Chuck) at my side).  I have a lifetime of choices ahead of me, and while I expect, I won't make the right decisions all of the time; hopefully with my village behind me, I'll make the best choices for my health and well being most of the time.

Movies, Massages and Allowing Myself to be a Little Bit Selfish!

I woke up Tuesday morning, leaned over to stretch and felt a sharp pain run down the left side of my neck into my shoulder. Ugg! What the heck was that? I moved around a little more and realized that I was unable to move my head to my left side without causing that same sharp pain. Either I had slept in a funny position or the stress I had been feeling the past few days was catching up with me. 

As the day wore on, I tried tylenol, my massage chair and finally a heating pad to loosen the muscles and relieve the twinges. Things started to improve, but I knew there was no way I'd make it to the gym that night. So when I headed home after work, I decided if I couldn't burn off my stress in the gym, I would try the next best thing. I scooped up my hubby, and we headed to the movies. It was time for a mental health break! 

The movie provided a nice respite from any real drama, and despite having to step away for a short bit to manage a work issue, it proved to be just what I needed to end the day on a high note. Truthfully, who could walk away from a movie with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts and not leave feeling good about life! When I awoke this morning, it appeared that my efforts from the day before had paid off. The spasm in my neck had eased, and I only felt a slight twinge.  

As the morning wore on, however, the pain started returning.  If I wanted to get back to the gym, I knew I needed to try something different. After wrestling with the idea in my head for a little bit, I called and set up an appointment for a massage. Somehow, despite knowing the therapeutic benefit, I still felt a little guilty spending money on a massage. I am sure other Mothers can identify with my feelings. We've spent years foregoing extras for ourselves in an effort to give those extras to our children. The idea of spending money on something that only benefits us personally invokes feelings of both extravagance and selfishness. I had finally gotten to a place where I didn't feel guilty spending money on manicures and pedicures, but I hadn't quite reached that place with a massage yet. I still only allowed myself the luxury when something was hurting. 

This time the twinge in my neck, trumped my twinge of guilt, and I allowed myself to be a little bit selfish. There was never a question that the massage would improve the situation. Despite the pain induced by the masseuse as she kneaded and worked the knots, I left feeling much better than I went in. I had washed away the last bit of a stressful week, and was ready for a long walk to round out the day. Perhaps it was OK to be a little selfish once in awhile. Who knew, maybe I'd even start allowing myself to be a little selfish on a more regular basis. 

The Teacher's Pet....

I've managed to work out three times with my husband this week which was a pleasant surprise. Typically his work/travel schedule precludes too many opportunities for joint work-out sessions, but with co-workers and clients vacationing, his schedule has been a little more flexible of late. The nice thing about working out with him is the work-out always seems to go by faster, because I'm entertained. The tough thing about working out with him is we are at very different fitness levels, so I typically feel like I'm holding him back.

He, more than anyone, has taken on the role of my trainer for this journey, wisely letting me set my own path, yet still pushing me when he thought I needed a nudge. So it came as a bit of surprise this week when I actually managed to outlast him for the first time in one of our exercise routines, and of all activities, I managed to outlast him while doing Ab crunches. It was a very small victory in the realm of things, but for a girl who struggled to complete four sets of twenty crunches when she first started this journey, it still made me feel like I had accomplished something very significant.

Truth be told, I'm sure if we went head to head in a competition, he would clearly out crunch me. He would will his way through the exercises, but on this day he was already worn out from a five mile run just prior to our work-out, so he wasn't pushing as hard as he normally would. Even so his surprised reaction at my increased abilities, and the pause he had to take while I kept going was enough to fuel my future efforts. I guess the truth is every student wants to impress their teacher no matter what age they reach. I know I'll always be this"Teacher's Pet", but it's always rewarding to feel I've exceeded expectations.

A Long Walk Pondering Casey Anthony and How the Justice System got it both wrong and right..

I think the world collectively gasped yesterday when the Casey Anthony verdict was read. So as my husband and I started out on a walk together last night, it is no surprise that the subject dominated the majority of our conversation for the length of time it took us to traverse five miles.

The truth is there are probably very few people who followed the trial who are going to walk away from this believing that Casey Anthony is innocent....but the big question still hanging in the air is "What is she guilty of?" I can tell you that I was certain the jury would convict her of something beyond the charges she was ultimately convicted of, and I felt a little sick when I heard the court reporter read the "Not Guilty" decree. I agreed one hundred percent with the coroner's belief...If a child ends up in a garbage bag with tape over it's mouth abandoned in the woods, then it is clearly a homicide. I wanted the jury to make the connection that Casey was the last one known to have seen her, that Casey told no one for thirty one days about the disappearance, and that Casey continued to lie and interfere with the investigation once the child was discovered missing. Clearly she was the culprit even if we didn't know exactly what happened.

As my husband and I discussed the day's events, I had to admit that I never bought the prosecution's theory that Casey Anthony woke up one day and decided to smother her child by applying chloroform and taping her mouth and nose closed.  Truthfully I speculated that Casey was using chloroform as her "Nanny" and on the day Caylee died used too much. I speculated that the tape was either to keep the child quiet if she happened to wake prior to her Mom's return or a ploy on Casey's part to make it appear the child was kidnapped after she realized Casey had passed away and she needed to formulate a plan to cover it up.

And clearly that was the problem. I hadn't believed the scenario that the prosecution was presenting; it was probable the jury didn't either, but unlike me, they didn't have the latitude to speculate. They are charged to work with the facts presented. They can't presume to know what happened unless the assumption can be made beyond a reasonable doubt.  In this case there was little direct evidence showing that Casey had ever acted in a way that suggested she wanted to rid herself of a child prior to the disappearance even if she frolicked and seemed to celebrate later. There was no direct evidence that placed Casey at the computer doing those well known searches on chloroform; only the suggestion that she was the only one in the home to have motive to do such a search. More importantly, there was no direct evidence to support exactly how the child died, no drugs detected, no broken bones, no indication of anything that would imply any previous abuse. Only our common sense in respect to Casey's actions for those 31 days tells us Caylee's death was not by natural means and Casey had something to do with it.

When the dust settles and the emotions ebb, I believe we will look back and say that their were multiple mistakes along the way that lost the conviction. The policeman who failed to thoroughly search the area the first time the remains were reported allowing further damage to the evidence. The prosecution who fueled by the public's outrage pursued a charge that most pundits agreed was out of reach while potentially discarding other strategies that would have allowed the jury to focus instead on a lesser charge. The introduction of the video of Caylee with tape over her mouth which was designed to inflame but potentially created more doubt than conviction.

In the end, I believe we can almost all agree that the justice system failed Caylee, but after walking five miles and pondering the issues, I wasn't as convinced any longer that the failure fell with the twelve individuals who made the final call. They were truly the only people who had an unobstructed view of the evidence sans pundits, opinion and preconceived notions. When and if the day arrives that the jurors eventually reveal the drivers behind their decisions, I believe that they will tell us that they did not buy the idea that Caylee drowned in a pool or even that they believed Casey Anthony was innocent of harming her daughter, but I do believe they will tell us they did not have enough direct evidence presented by the prosecution to exceed reasonable doubt to the charges at hand. They are bound to be haunted for a long time to come by the things they heard in the courtroom, the things they will now learn and the what ifs, but after a day's reflection I am not sure they deserve the added pressure of a country of backseat jurors second guessing their decisions.

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah...oh what a weekend!

The weekend is over and it's back to the real world. Work, dropping cars off for service, paying bills, pausing to watch Casey Anthony declared not-guilty (that's  a whole other blog) and finding a moment to write and reflect on an awesome weekend. We spent most of our time with good friends at their timeshare in Massanutten. I'd love to tell you that the weekend was a an exercise in healthy adventures, but truthfully I binged on Caramel creams, goldfish, and beef while only managing to fit in one bonafide trip to the gym upon my return. The trip wasn't a complete exercise in slothfulness: however, as I managed to test my dexterity and new adventurous spirit, zip lining down the side of a ski slope.

If I am completely honest, I have to confess that if I had known exactly what I was signing on for when I committed to the activity,  I would have said "No" instead of "Yes". I would love to claim that I agreed to go as a bold effort to face my fears, but the truth was when our friend called a few days before our trip to ask if we would be interested in joining them in a morning of zip lining, my only experience to that point was watching people zip line across a lake at a fairly low height. It sounded like a relatively benign fun out-door activity to me. I had no idea that it would test my immense fear of heights.

My first indicator that this would not be the relaxed adventure I had envisioned came in a posting from my friend who tried it a few days before we arrived. The words "varying heights" and "dangling" jumped out at me and from that point on I began to feel anxiety. My initial thoughts were that I would bow out and let the others go. I am not a thrill seeker and don't enjoy scaring myself for fun, but when I found out the tickets were already paid for and that they were non-refundable, I felt guilty backing out. So I convinced myself it couldn't possibly be so bad.

The morning arrived for our jump and I found myself dragging my feet behind the rest of the group. I had a big knot in my stomach as we pulled up to the location for our departure. As I scanned the side of the mountain my anxiety increased two fold. We were fitted with our equipment fairly quickly, and we headed to an escalator to the area where we would get our first lesson. On the way up we passed an elevated platform some hundred feet from the ground. We were casually told that would be our final destination, and we would have to step off the side and be lowered to the ground to finish the tour. Once you started the course, the only way back to the beginning was to finish the course. I almost turned around right at that spot, but for some reason the idea I would disappoint my friends somehow for failing to follow through kept me moving ahead, but my mood was quickly heading south.

We reached the top and were given our instructions which only proved to make me more nervous. Don't grab here, you might accidentally unclasp the hook you are hanging form; do be sure to lift your legs, so you don't bang the ramps; don't grab the metal wire to stabilize yourself on the pole or you might get your fingers crushed; break with an open hand, don't close your fist. There were clearly too many things for a nervous, klutzy person like me to remember. I was going to be the person who got stuck in the middle of a line hanging hundreds of feet above the ground who needed to be rescued.

We climbed a rope ladder to the first platform. As I looked ahead, I thought to myself that the first leg didn't look too bad. I could handle it. The platform was wobbly and I was not enjoying the instability created as each person took their turn, but I thought to myself, if all of the legs are like this first one, I won't need someone to push me off the platform to get me to keep going. It was my turn to go, and I grabbed hold of the lines being sure not to grab the hook that would unclasp and jumped off the platform. "Zoom" I reached the other side, slowly pulled up my legs and even managed to land gracefully. I could do this and might even enjoy it. The actual ride was fun! I felt momentarily relieved until I shared my feelings with the guide, and he quickly doused my contentment with the words, "Well, the rule is longer, higher, faster with each leg." That was about the time I caught sight of the next leg. He was right, longer, faster, but more importantly higher.

I made myself one with the center pole and proceeded to try and calm myself once again. One leg down, three to go, I just wouldn't look down or across. Instead I scanned the valley and tried to soak up the beauty while I recited the rules in my had lest I forget them on the next ride across. Don't grab the main hook, break with an open hand, lift up your knees at the end. I made it through the next leg and felt a little calmer. By the third leg, I realized, the actual act of zip lining was fun, but standing on the platform far above land while it swayed back and forth in reaction to the varying weights moving along the line was still terrifying. This was not something I was going to get used to.

By the time my two feet were planted again on the ground, I decided that zip lining held a certain appeal, but was probably not high on my repeat performances again unless over water or lower to the ground. I was really happy I had continued through the course. I felt a certain sense of accomplishment at the end for having faced my fears no matter how reluctantly, but mostly I was just really thankful that I didn't fall into a blubbering mass of panic along the way.