I woke up yesterday morning, rolled over and the room began spinning. It was not the way I had hoped to start my morning, but I told myself it was probably just a symptom that my allergies were in full spring. I waited for the spinning to slow and then headed downstairs to take a Claritin. An hour or so later, I started to feel a little better, so I headed into work. That lasted for about thirty more minutes, and then things started heading south again. It finally dawned on me that the problem was not my allergies, but my whacky GI system playing a little havoc with the rest of my body.
The good news was, because I had not felt that way in such a long time, I did not recognize the symptoms right away. The bad news was I felt like crap, and it was pissing me off. I liked the new me, full of energy, focused on fitness and able...able to participate, able to push myself, able to overcome. Feeling bad just didn't fit into my new equation anymore.
There was a time when I had perfected the art of being a good patient. I cloaked my frustrations in patience as I moved from doctor to doctor seeking answers to seemingly unanswerable questions. It was my go to survival skill that carried me through months and months of ill health. I prided myself in my ability to accept my circumstances while still managing to find joy in living in what would seem like untenable circumstances to most. But as the years passed and I had to pull it out more and more often, I must have depleted my supplies, because yesterday my patience ran out. I simply didn't want to feel bad again. Not for an hour, not for a day or not for several days. I was ready to be off that roller coaster ride.
The truth was I had needed "patience to be my virtue" during those lost years, but I did not need it to be now. If I allowed myself to become complacent with my injuries or ailments, I feared I could easily get sidelined into old habits and lose everything I had been working so hard for. While a part of me recognizes that a few bad days out of a slew of really great days is something to be thankful for, there is another voice in me that says, that simply isn't good enough anymore.
If I am to succeed with this journey, I think my focus needs to change. So instead of simply being content with the good days, I am allowing myself to be impatient with the bad ones too. Perhaps impatience will be the impetus that keeps me moving forward through the trouble spots this time.
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